bancuri-cu-număr™

An old mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to the bed.
“You lissin-a me - I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”
“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns. Howzabout you leava me your rolex watch instead?”
“Shuddup and lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifulla wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find your beautifula wife in bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then? Pointa to your watch and say: ‘Time’s up?”

Cica trei prieteni, se intalnesc in fata unei scoli de soferi si isi dau
seama ca fiecare isi astepta consoarta sa-si termine ora de conducere auto.
Primul :
- Sotia mea a inceput scoala de o saptamana si de atunci in fiecare noapte
se trezeste, pune mana pe “manivela” si incepe :”inainte, inapoi, inainte,
inapoi” de nu pot sa dorm toata noaptea. Al doilea:
- Asta nu-i nimic, a mea a inceput scoala de o luna si de atunci in fiecare
noapte se trezeste, pune mana pe “manivela” si incepe: “intaia, a doua, a
treia, a patra”. La marsarier, cel putin, imi vine sa-mi iau campii. Al
treilea :
- Sunteti mici copii! A mea a inceput scoala de doua luni si de atunci in
fiecare noapte se trezeste, se intoarce cu curul la mine si zice “plinul, va
rog !”

When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.
I don’t remember, what I chose.

In scrierea de tipar, cifra sapte arata astfel:   7.
Cand o scriem insa de mana, o taiem cu o linie orizontala. V-ati intrebat vreodata de ce?
Se spune ca dupa ce Dumnezeu l-a chemat pe Moise pe munte sa-i dicteze cele zece porunci, acesta i-a adunat pe oameni sa le vorbeasca despre ele.
Cand a ajuns la a saptea porunca, “Sa nu ravnesti la nevasta aproapelui tau”, cei mai multi dintre barbati au inceput sa strige:
- Taiati saptele, taiati saptele, taiati saptele!!!

Pe o banc, in parc, doi indragostiti se imbratiseaza. La un moment dat, langa ei se asaza un domn, care o fixeaza cu privirea pe femeie. In cele din urma, partenerul ei nu mai suporta si izbucneste:
- N-am mai pomenit atata obraznicie !
- Regret, nu vreau sa va deranjez, dar trebuie sa-i cer nevestei cheia de la casa!

Intr-un showquiz TV in Australia, in ultima faza au ajuns un preot si un cioban. Ultima intrebare a fost: Compuneti in 5 minute o poezioara de o strofa, care sa rimeze cu “Timbuktu”. Dupa 5 minute, popa isi citeste primul poezioara: “I was a father all my life, I had no children, had no wife, I read the bible through and through On my way to Timbuktu.” Publicul a fost extrem de miscat de poezioara si aproape ca l-au declarat invingator, cand se ridica ciobanu’ si isi citeste creatia: “When Tim and I to Brisbane went, we met three ladies cheap to rent. They were three and we were two, so I booked one and Tim booked two.”

Un tip sta la coada la casa cind deodata observa ca o blondina super sexy, si ea la coada, ceva mai in spate, il saluta cu un fluturat de mina si-i zimbeste prietenos. Tipului nu-i vine sa creada ca o tipa atit de bine il cunoaste si, asa ca o intreaba:
- Scuzati, ne cunoastem cumva?
- Nu sint chiar sigura, dar cred ca sinteti tatal unuia din copiii mei, raspunde frumusetea. Tipul isi aduce aminte de singura data cind si-a inselat sotia.
- Dumnezeule, deci esti dansatoarea de striptease cu care am petrecut in seara dinaintea nuntii pe masa de ping-pong, de fata cu toti baietii …in timp ce colega ta ma biciuia cu telina uda si-mi baga un castravete in fund?
- Nu, raspunde tipa rece, sint profesoara de romana a fiului dumneavoastra…

Un tanar de 18 ani statea toata ziua pe net: chat, sex virtual, site-uri porno, etc. Intr-o zi bunicul, satul deja de ineptiile nepotului vine si ii zice:
- Auzi, nepoate, eu cand eram de varsta ta am fost cu prietenii la Viena. Am intrat in primul bordel, am mancat tot ce-am gasit pe-acolo, am ras toata bautura, apoi am mers sus si am f***t toate curvele, apoi cand am coborat ne-am pisat pe mesele si pe barul de la parter si am plecat fara sa platim. Alui mic ii place ideea si dispare de acasa o saptamina. Cand se intoarce era tot vanat, cu mina si piciorul in gips.
- Ce-ai patit nepoate, il intreaba mosul.
- Am fost cu prietenii la Viena. Am intrat in primul bordel. Am mancat tot ce-am gasit pe-acolo, am ras toata bautura, apoi am mers sus si am f***t toate curvele, apoi cand am coborat ne-am pisat pe mesele si pe barul de la parter, iar cand sa plecam fara sa platim au aparut 4 gorile si ne-au batut de ne-am cacat pe noi.
- Auzi, nepoate, da’ cum te-ai dus tu la Viena?
- Pai, am mers cu Omnia Tours. Da’ tu bunicule?
- Eu? Cu rusii in ‘45!

Cele mai folosite scuze de barbati, pentru a respinge o femeie…

10. Esti ca o sora pentru mine = Esti urata.
9. Este o mica diferenta de varsta intre noi = Esti urata.
8. Nu ma atragi in “sensul” acela = Esti urata.
7. Viata mea este prea complicata acum = Esti urata.
6. Am o prietena = Esti urata.
5. Nu imi dau intaniri cu colegele de serviciu = Esti urata.
4. Nu este vina ta, ci a mea = Esti urata.
3. Ma concentrez aspra carierei mele = Esti urata.
2. Sunt celibatar convins = Esti urata.
1. Hai sa fim prieteni = Esti ingrozitor de urata.

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real “miser” when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife…”When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
“Wait just a moment!”
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
“Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.”
The loyal wife replied, “Listen, I’m a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.”
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?”
“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check…. If he can cash it, then he can spend it.”